Dandruff Hits The Turtleneck Read online

  Chapter Six

  Enter Aunt Doris

  Three fire engines masquerading as the bar room, bedroom and living room telephones shook Arnold out of any early lethargy that remained the following morning. Hastily abandoning four snorkers sizzling and singing in hot fat, he made a frantic bee line, tripped over coconut matting and snatched a receiver.

  ‘Corncrakes.’

  ‘Well if that’s your attitude!’

  ‘Aunt Doris?’

  ‘Are you going to leave me standing out here as an ornament?’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘On your doorstep, cloth head…’

  Sausages fully abandoned, Arnold dunked a fig roll.

  ‘I can’t believe it, Auntie. What are you doing here?’

  ‘I was worried about you.’

  ‘Why would you be worried about me? You don’t even know what I’ve been up to.’

  ‘Trust me, Arnold. I know you backwards.’

  ‘But why the surprise entrance?’ quizzed Arnold, mulling over a switch to digestives. Doris brought the hammer down.

  ‘Because I know you’re unhappy and I’m here to help.’

  ‘Oh, it’s just the little things,’ groaned Arnold, pouring himself more stewing char.

  ‘And it always will be, Arnold,’ checkmated Aunt Doris. Arnold dunks and gives up as his boat disintegrates to the bottom of his tea mug.

  ‘Do you remember when I first introduced you to nature, Arnold?’

  ‘Of course,’ returned Arnold, ‘That’s why I went on to become an entomologist.’

  ‘Oh, I see…’ breathed the old lady, ‘and here’s me thinking you were a pub landlord.’

  ‘I only came here to get away, to start again,’ countered Arnold, rising to the bait.

  ‘Good nest sites are hard to find, Arnold. Any bird or insect would tell you that,’ purred Doris.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Matson was fast losing patience with his visitor.

  ‘Evolution favours teamwork,’ the old lady went on.

  ‘Are you trying to tell me I’m lonely?’ demanded Arnold.

  Doris let him simmer down for a moment, and then continued.

  ‘Animals are forced to live with their relatives for many reasons. In most cases, ecology is to blame.’

  ‘I’m well aware of that,’ said Arnold.

  ‘With nowhere to go, the only choice is to stay at home…For a termite, home is a fallen log. It may be crowded, but to set-off into the unknown in the hope of setting up another branch of the family is a risky business…’

  ‘Look,’ said Matson, his patience finally derailed, ‘I don’t need any of this. Why have you turned up like this and what is it you want from me?’

  The outline of Aunt Doris was gradually evaporating and Arnold Matson, beginning to tremble in astonishment, found himself facing an empty chair as the old lady disappeared into the ether.